Original Post

Apple of Discord

Young Adult

Just a little background-the character in the first chapter is the antagonist.

Hook:

Victoria Manning’s faith in friendship is shattered just as its biggest threat moves to town.  When no one else seems to notice that seventh grade siren Helen Primrose is on a quest to infiltrate cliques and destroy reputations, Victoria sets out to discover her secrets.  The off-limits Apple Quarry, a mysterious letter, and an obituary are all pieces of the puzzle that Victoria must fit together in order to save her friendships-and ultimately her friend’s life.

Revised frist 250-ish words.

Dad’s hands clenched on the steering wheel as we drove past the “Welcome to Bethany Hills!” sign.  I could see him searching for something, anything to talk about.

“This looks like such a nice little town, Helen.”  His eyes darted to my face like a skittish sparrow.

I refused to turn my head, but hiding behind my lavender framed shades, I watched him.  Hours ago a veil of clouds slid overhead, threatening snow, making my sunglasses pointless, but I still needed their protection.

“The house has a huge back yard with a fence, which will be great for Baskie.”

He began to ramble about the new neighborhood, but I knew exactly what he was thinking.  This time you won’t mess everything up, right Helen?  Just you and me, we’ll be ok, right Helen?  Let’s try to make your mother proud, ok, Helen?  Just do what they tell you to do, and please, please, please, try to stay out of trouble.  Ok, Helen?

Shut up, Dad!  Your yammering makes my head swim.

I took a deep breath and counted to ten.  Sometimes that worked.  “That’s nice, Dad,” I said, as I reached back to pat my giant black shaggy dog who blanketed the back seat of our tiny Volkswagen Beetle.  Baskie snuffled to acknowledge the pat, but didn’t bother to raise his head from his paws.  I knew he was thinking of chasing seagulls on the beach-we both were.  But it had been so long, and so many moves since then.

“Hey!  Before we go to the house, do you want to see where I’ll be working?”

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